My Motto for the days to come...

I'm tired of hiding behind my body.  I want to be free to skydive, or go zip-lining or even do something as simple as roller blading without my weight holding me back.

One day at a time.  I'm just grateful that I am going to Curves at the very least.  I need to kick it up a notch!!

The Cost of Free!!

If I put the same effort into my weight loss as I do for my Freebie Hunting I swear I would be a size 2!!  Over the past year or so I have developed a certain panache for freebie and coupon hunting.  I love it!! Some would say its borderline OCD the way I look for stuff.  My best friend seems to think otherwise and I'm starting to see her point.  One night she explained to me over the phone that the reason why I look for freebies is the instant gratification I get when I find a great freebie.  She feels its in direct correlation with my food addiction.  Could it be true??

Am I really self sabotaging my life by throwing my focus on looking for deals so that I don't focus on what it really important, my weight loss?

I guess I tend to do that alot.  Avoid the problem and the problem will magically resolve itself.  I'm a work in progress.  I think I need to read a self-help book to get to the core of my emotional eating issues.

Well I Have My Before Picture Ready...

About a month ago I had attended a bridal shower for my boss' daughter.  She's very sweet and also very pretty.  Two things I don't feel about myself.  Her theme was frocks and frills.  The idea was a sort of English High Tea luncheon and I thought I was dressed very appropriately with my flowered hairpiece perched above my head .  There was a crew taking photos of all of the guests with a green screen background and I thoughtto myself, " Oh Lord here we go!!"

I absolutely hate having photos taken unless I'm the one taking them.  I have this weird camera pose thing that I do and I'm well known for it.  At the right angle I can appear younger and much leaner then usual. I've perfected it so much so that others ask me how to strike the pose when they are being photographed by me also.  It's a gift but mostly its a way for me to tolerate the way that I look and feel when I'm pushed in front of a camera.

So back to the shower.  When it was my turn to pose with the bride-to-be I had pre-warned her that I hate photos but she insisted we capture the special moment together.  Well yesterday I received my thank you card and low and behold my un-beautiful self standing beside grace personified with an amazing Venice as our backdrop.  I hate taking pictures.  I hate taking pictures beside skinny people when  I'm the Jolly Green Mammoth Giant in the background.

This picture will forever be classified as my Before picture..

A Letter to Myself..

Who knew a women's show would lead to change?

Back in May I had attended the Ultimate Women's Show in Hamilton to get some freebies ( my hobby) and while I was there I filled out numerous draws and contests in order to claim free products.  I was particularly interested in the Herbal Magic booth.  The female who had helped me fill out my ballot was talking in my ear about how she had lost well over 100 pounds in 9 months following the Herbal Magic program.  She had starting at 310 pounds and was now down to about 200 pounds and all I could think was, "WOW".  That's me right there and this girl is showing me what's possible.  The truth is I actually weight more than her but regardless she had put the rat on the track and it had got me thinking.

Flash forward to last Thursday, May 31, 2012 and I received a call from Curves.  I was the lucky winner of a free 1 month's membership and I was debating if I should sign-up or not.  I had tried Curves previously but gave up a few weeks into the program for whatever reason.  I always seem to find real bullshit excuses to get out of anything.  Its something that I need to work on hence this blog.  After speaking to my best friend, Nadia, we thought this is perfect!! I could stand to lose a few pound's before my boss' daughter's wedding at the end of June but secretly I am hoping it will spark a frenzy in me to get off my butt and to start moving more.

After my shopping trip from hell over the weekend what could be better then doing some circuit training at Curves.  Monday was my first day at Curves and it wasn't too bad. I can't speak for Nadia but I sure broke a sweat doing their 30 minute circuit.  I have to admit I'm not thrilled about the look of their Stoney Creek branch but who cares its a free month of moving in the right direction to a healthier me!!

Post workout we had to do the formal weight in and measurement.  I always hate that part of any new program but you never know where you are going until you know where you have been.  My weight was a shocking 350.5 pounds.  What was even more shocking was my 48% body fat reading.  Quick math.  Half of my body is fat which mean I should probably weight half the weight I am now.  Oh what I would do to weight 175-190 pounds!!  Time will tell.

What am I grateful for today:
1. I have a great support system in my best friend Nadia.  She knows how cranky I can get when I diet and the only thing she has to say back to me is, " BRING IT ON!!  I can take whatever you can throw at me!!"

2.  I'm grateful that I thought of the idea of holding myself accountable by blogging.  I think it will help to keep me motivated and its a great way to let out my feeling and emotions on a daily basis.

3.  I'm grateful that no matter what kind of day I have had, I can always count on my adorable bichon, Snoopy to welcome me with enthusiasm and a great smile EVERY SINGLE DAY!! love him to pieces!!

My Back Story

When is enough ENOUGH??  I have spend the better portion of my life trying to lose weight with constant diets and such but after finding success a few times I have always let the fear of really being thin always get in the way of being a "success story".  I'm now 33 years old and I feel as though I'm not living my life to its fullest as a result of how much I weight.  I figure the best way to hold myself accountable for my actions and to let out my feelings would be to blog about it.  So here I am and here is where my journey begins.  

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember but I guess what brought on this sudden drastic need for change was well a trip across the border.  It should have been a day trip to Buffalo.  I've done it so many times in the past with my cousins, or my sister or even my close friends but for some reason this trip felt different.  In my local area and surrounding area I have always felt like I was the minority.  Being 6 ft tall and morbidly obese has always put me literally ahead of everyone and I mean that in a bad way.  I don't always feel the eyes but I definitely have never felt like I looked the part of a normal average woman.  

The opposite was true across the border.  Extra large was definitely the term I would give the majority of the people I came across a mere 1 hour's drive away from my house.  I felt like I fit right in and yet "fit" is not exactly the word I would use for all of the round shaped men and women I seen the entire day. You would think that I would have felt at home and more comfortable with my surroundings.  I wasn't.   After doing some shopping at a T.J. Max I headed to Walden Galleria to see if I could find any long and loose shirts and tees for the summer.  I couldn't believe how much plus-size clothing there was available for girls like me.  From Macy's to Torrid to JC Penny, there was row on row of plus size items.  I thought I was in ham heaven!!  Off I went into the Macy's change room with plenty of shirts and maxi dresses in tow and then there it was.  I remember thinking, " hmm that's old how there isn't a mirror directly in front of me" instead there were two mirrors on an angle on opposite sides of two walls.  It was interesting to be able to see the dress I had just tried on from both the front and the back side of me at the same time and then there it was.  I was slipping out of the dress when I got a true glimpse of myself from my back and I guess I had never seen myself at that angle because I was just 

horrified.  My mind went crazy.  The judgement poured out, " Oh my God, look at your butt, look at your thighs, what happened to your lower back, where did all that fat come from?"

As I said before I have always struggled with my weight.  I have gained and lost more then I could ever know but seeing myself in the mirror at that angle put things into perspective for me.  I GOTTA CHANGE ME AND I GOTTA DO IT NOW!!

And so the journey begins....