My Back Story

When is enough ENOUGH??  I have spend the better portion of my life trying to lose weight with constant diets and such but after finding success a few times I have always let the fear of really being thin always get in the way of being a "success story".  I'm now 33 years old and I feel as though I'm not living my life to its fullest as a result of how much I weight.  I figure the best way to hold myself accountable for my actions and to let out my feelings would be to blog about it.  So here I am and here is where my journey begins.  

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember but I guess what brought on this sudden drastic need for change was well a trip across the border.  It should have been a day trip to Buffalo.  I've done it so many times in the past with my cousins, or my sister or even my close friends but for some reason this trip felt different.  In my local area and surrounding area I have always felt like I was the minority.  Being 6 ft tall and morbidly obese has always put me literally ahead of everyone and I mean that in a bad way.  I don't always feel the eyes but I definitely have never felt like I looked the part of a normal average woman.  

The opposite was true across the border.  Extra large was definitely the term I would give the majority of the people I came across a mere 1 hour's drive away from my house.  I felt like I fit right in and yet "fit" is not exactly the word I would use for all of the round shaped men and women I seen the entire day. You would think that I would have felt at home and more comfortable with my surroundings.  I wasn't.   After doing some shopping at a T.J. Max I headed to Walden Galleria to see if I could find any long and loose shirts and tees for the summer.  I couldn't believe how much plus-size clothing there was available for girls like me.  From Macy's to Torrid to JC Penny, there was row on row of plus size items.  I thought I was in ham heaven!!  Off I went into the Macy's change room with plenty of shirts and maxi dresses in tow and then there it was.  I remember thinking, " hmm that's old how there isn't a mirror directly in front of me" instead there were two mirrors on an angle on opposite sides of two walls.  It was interesting to be able to see the dress I had just tried on from both the front and the back side of me at the same time and then there it was.  I was slipping out of the dress when I got a true glimpse of myself from my back and I guess I had never seen myself at that angle because I was just 

horrified.  My mind went crazy.  The judgement poured out, " Oh my God, look at your butt, look at your thighs, what happened to your lower back, where did all that fat come from?"

As I said before I have always struggled with my weight.  I have gained and lost more then I could ever know but seeing myself in the mirror at that angle put things into perspective for me.  I GOTTA CHANGE ME AND I GOTTA DO IT NOW!!

And so the journey begins....